A Time for Reflection

Well well well... here we are again. I know after the close of the term I said that this was the end of the Strategize with Sav blog. And perhaps in a way it was. There are no more deadlines. No more reading assignments. No more tying blog posts to course concepts. So in a way, that blog is over, but after taking time to truly reflect, I have missed putting the metaphorical pen to paper and sharing my thoughts with the world.

I sometimes imagine my life as a Sex and the City episode. I'm living it and going through the motions, but there is always a version of me speaking as a narrator in the third person. Because my life in small town Alabama is that interesting right? 

WRONG.

I am just simply one of those people with one of those faces that everyone gravitates towards. Which is fine I guess... but I have always felt like I was meant to be so much more than a boring old run of the mill person. I wanted to go and do and I sometimes feel like I have wasted the days away just trying to be everything for everyone.

Don't get me wrong, I am a people pleaser to the core, but sometimes I feel like I have taken a backseat to the needs of everyone else. I feel like I really lost myself. Three years ago I became a mom. My daughters are my pride and joy. They are my world. There is NOTHING I would not do for them. But in becoming a mom I gave up a large portion of myself. This life was no longer about me, my wants, my needs. The needs of two tiny humans quickly rose to the top. This affected not only my relationship with myself, but with my husband as well.

Long gone were the days of date nights and sleeping in. Long meaningful conversations turned into quick summaries of our days in the midst of cooking dinner or before the nightly routine. Priorities changed and so did we. And that is okay. That is the season of life we have fallen into, but that doesn't mean it will be this way forever.

I love my husband and I love the life we have built, but that does not mean I don't mourn our seasons before. The season of just us two. 

In the thick of this new season of life, I have had to take a good hard look in the mirror. I am different. My body doesn't look the same. There are extra pounds on me that weren't there before. My beautiful curls are now lackluster and flat, at least what's left of them. My energy levels are at an all time low. I chase toddlers around all evening and I just want to collapse at the end of it all. But still I say "look how blessed you are."

Sometimes I find myself to be my toughest critic. The negative self talk and hatred of a body that birthed TWO humans in the span of 16 months get overwhelming. Why is it, as women, we think we always have to compare ourselves to others? Why can't we learn to love the skin we are in no matter what it may look like?

Because society, social media, and influencers tell us to be "in" we must look and act a certain way. Well I'm sorry... I just can't accept that. I want to see the real and raw you, not the poised and perfect portrayal you put on social media. 

Many times I have cried in silence and said "why can't I have what they have?" I have wondered how these women could be stay at home moms and go on trips constantly while I was struggling to afford groceries after all the bills were paid. I have felt the ping of jealousy over lives I knew nothing about. All because of a post I saw on social media.

I had to take a good long look in the mirror and think of all the wonderful things that I have. Two healthy children and a loving husband. A roof over my head, a meal on the table every night, and a warm bed to tuck my babies into at the end of a long day. 

Focusing on all the good you have in life in a world of "one uppers" and social media can be so hard, but the season of self reflection and gratitude can be so rewarding.

I will leave you with this... I am by no means perfect. I fall short every day. I look in the mirror and find something I don't like, I compare myself to others, I feel a little bitter when I see others doing better than me, but I constantly remind myself that this season is where I am meant to be.